Get out

i am getting good at this

not my ability to write

but the ability to get this

stuff out

out of my head

out of my mind

out of my heart

out of my soul

it happens with less words now

better focus perhaps

able to pinpoint what im feeling

very new for me

extremely cool

playing the same music

to get my fingers moving

get my mind flowing

getting the words out

feelings

some i used to hate

others that i feared

what if people knew i felt

this or that

as i talk with others

i find im not so alone

in these feelings

or at least some variation of them

i have some good friendships that

have developed lately

they have shown me new things

about me, about people in general

about them specifically

i understand now what i have heard so much

hearing 'you are a good listener'

now means so much more

the people that have listened to me

those friends i cherish

i dont think they will ever know

how much they mean to me

and on how many levels

although now the shallowness i see in some

frustrates me even more

how can you be happy in superficial bullshit?

happy?

perhaps not happy, but safe

there is a measure of safety

in staying within your walls

peeking out every now and again

so people around you know your still there

but not enough for them to really see YOU

lately ive had people challenge my gates

some gently

others with more force

but causing me to do more than peek out

those gates now swing wide at their approach

dont get me wrong they still slam shut

when others get near

but for the few that i have grown to trust

they open easily

trust

now there is a topic

one that i am not prepared to go over tonight

but maybe a peek....

do people really trust me?

should they?

do i trust people?

should i?

sure i trust you

do i?

actions speak louder than words

that phrase

so true

you can say all day

friend, love ya, good to see you

and then shout PISS OFF

with nothing more than a look

or a reaction to a word

the act of

'blowing sunshine up ones ass'

why do people do that?

the truth hurts

yeah, sometimes

but come on without it where are we?

decived or deciving

happily delusional

ignorance is bliss

blah blah blah

if your having a bad day

tell some one

if your just happy to be alive

say something

if you hate the person

tell them....?

now we are venturing into tact

i will not walk up to someone

that frustrates me to the core

and let them know

if they ask....

they had better be prepared for truth

brutal truth

but at the same time

only to say what i really feel

not to hurt

.......

how did i end up here?

these ramblings sometimes grow

beyond where i intended

at which point they become what they are meant to be

my mental dump

better to do it here than try to sort out some

jacked up dream

and with that i will retire

perhaps to a less vicious dreamscape

if not....

i will be writing again

it has to get out

somehow