Advice

advice.

you got any?

yeah, right.

your not in my shoes

you have no frickin idea

what is in my head, and no

i wont share it with you, why

would i waste my breath?

do you really want to know?

what would you do with it once

you knew? hate me? fear me?

ah, my light is darker than your

deep, dark, dreams, the ones that

you have but no one hears of, ones

that you wake up from and fear to

fall back to sleep... and my dark....

the systematic disassembling

of my mind, the withering of my sanity

lust, love, hate, frustration, aaarrrrrgghhh!

this is too much for me to attempt to harness

so do i let it run wild? no that would destroy me

i cage it, i let it out for exercise every now and

again, this is one of those times, read not further

if you will not accept that i have faced my demons.

looked them in the eye and standing there, scared

shitless, i smile... you will not control me, fear you

may induce on occasion but you will not win ultimately

so in accepting this about me read on. i see my self as

so very dark... the part of me that people see on a daily

basis is not me. it is the society induced me. the real

me looks with disgust on most people, seeing them as

fake, hurtful, sharp, painful, open myself to you?

get real. ok sure, i can talk to anyone... anywhere.

i can psycho-analyze most people in minutes, not their core

but how the space they take up will affect mine...

there has been the painful occasion where i have opened

my self to people. ah, let the torture insue... give a part of

your heart, and they will drag you behind a vehicle called

selfishness by your arteries... and as i bounce there, watching

as i am ground down to a pitful helpless emotional lump, i think

why? why did i give them anything? did they need me? was i

thinking that i would help them in someway? was i as selfish?

or are people just naturally pricks?

that was a long time ago, those hurts, but pain creates scars,

callouses, memories....

memories that spark to life like the first flame of a forest fire...

burning pain that hides in the dark of our mind... of our hearts

of our souls... some of us have pain that we cannot express...

for fear of others reactions, fear of what it might mean about us,

fear of seeing who we really are, fear of trying to remember, but

haveing no recollection... that is me... there was a time my mom

tells me, when i was a very happy kid, very happy... then...

somewhere near 5 or 6 i changed... got real quiet, very not happy,

very reclusive, kept to myself, i became that weird kid over there...

and so i stayed, attempting, at times painfully, to join the ranks of

the normal kids... small schools, christian schools, thats a hole other

ramble, not many kids to choose from for friends, when you have none

where do you turn? to yourself. he spends alot of time alone... is that

good for him? he doesnt seem to have many friends, perhaps if he didnt

spend so much time alone...

why did i change? all those years ago? i dont know, i search my mind

lost in the forest of fear, but finding nothing, there is a face that i hate.

hate is a strong word? i saw that face not too long ago, my cousins

wedding in fact... i picked up a fork and was heading across the room

to put it in his throat, and my dad asked how i was likeing the reception...

i asked him, who is that, oh, steve? he asks, yes i said, he and his wife

used to babysit you some times, when you were about 5 or 6............

advice.

you got some?

keep it to yourself, i dont want any of it

i asked for some recently, boy that was fun. did it solve anything?

what do you think? do i sound like a relieved and rested person?

if i do, we should sit and talk sometime, i could psycho-analyze you....

the pain of my past haunts me, but it is not my crutch, or my "reason"

for acting how i act, or being who i am

i am who i am. that will change, as time goes by. im 32. i have changed

since i was 22, alot. for the better, who knows, who cares? the people who

have seen me change know, and some care, some i wonder, others i hope not

ah, 22 almost engaged... what a nightmare that would have been, joined the military

instead, much easier by comparison, ha!

advice.

you got some?

i recieved some good advice from my grandpa before joining the millitary

ive been married for 50 or so years... dont try to figure out women, just

find one that will marry you... i still havent figured out your grandma...

advice

you got some?

lets hear it... what is it based on?

life? how much of life have you lived?

how much of it has lived you....?

advice

ive got some

dump the crap out of your mind before you sleep...

or it will be dumped on you while you sleep...